The Hardest Part
by Skeptical Mutt
Summary: set during TMP, a story that is part of the Triangle of Power series. Takes Spock's POV as he adjusts back to life on the Enterprise dealing with two irrational and emotional former friends.


A/N: this came to me while watching The Motion Picture. We all know how hard it is for Spock to handle being around Jim and Bones again, but sometimes what he doesn't show tells more about how hard it is. First person, set in Spock's POV. Part of the Triangle of Power series, not slash. Read and enjoy! I don't own the series, I only own this story and the others written like it. No other knowledge of the Triangle of Power series is needed, however this humble author would love it if you would read and review those as well.

The Hardest Part

I stepped onto the bridge of the Enterprise, gaze immediately seeking and finding Jim's. It was a habit I thought that I had broken. Even the Kolinahr had not replaced the emotions that led me to Jim like a moth to a flame. I do not care much for metaphors, as they are usually overly poetic in their inception, and yet in this instance, standing on the bridge wearing my Vulcan cloak and staring into Jim Kirk's eyes, I knew myself to be a moth to his flame. The engines, I needed to fix the engines. With that command given to me by my Captain, I was free to sweep off the bridge and into the safety of logical machinery. For the moment.

I stared at the ceiling above my bed, fingers pressed tightly together in a contemplative fashion. Ostensibly I was meditating, gathering my thoughts and focusing all of my mental capacity towards the task ahead, having already finished the task of repairing the engines. In reality, I was struggling to stay calm, to control my emotions. Even the fragrant smell of incense was not helping. "Mr. Spock, report to the Officer's Lounge immediately." Ah, yes the very object of my agitation. Jim Kirk, former and once again Captain of the Enterprise, former friend and closest confidant. I sat up and took one last deep breath of the incense, with the idea that it would flood me with strength and serenity.

It was a mistake. I knew it as soon as I stepped into the Officer's Lounge and saw those flashing hazel eyes and a pair of blue eyes that gleamed with trouble. Almost a year I had struggled to purge these emotions and just one sight of those two pairs of eyes looking at me and I was undone. Alone, I could barely handle them. With the two of them together though, I saw my complete failure to attain Kolinahr, and knew there was to be no purging of emotions for me while I had any contact with those two. "Science Officer Spock, reporting as ordered, Captain." Were those my words, my voice? I knew it was, but it came out flat and lifeless. Even as I closed my mouth I saw the abrupt shift in Jim's body that told me he was not happy, saw the subtle change in his eyes from friend to commanding officer.

"Please sit down." Jim gestured at a chair randomly, and I met his gaze levelly. _I am a Vulcan, I am in control of my emotions._ Except I was not, and that was the dangerous part. My outward demeanor was as coldly, logically, Vulcan as it could be, and yet inside I yearned to be once again in the company of these two men that I respected more than anything. "You're just as warm and sociable as ever," commented Dr. McCoy, and I shot him a look that made his smile fade a little. Not much, but enough that I gained a little bit of an edge over him.

My mind went on auto pilot as Jim talked, and even as I listened attentively to what he was saying, I knew that only the logical half was listening. The very human half was watching the sparkle in his eyes that only being a Starship Captain could bring, was watching those blue eyes of the Doctor's narrowing in consideration. He always did see too much, the good doctor. He blustered and was highly irrational when his emotions took control, which was frequently, and yet those blue eyes missed nothing. There was a scientist behind those eyes, and one that made me distinctly aware that my charade was quickly fading.

"We need him. _**I **_need him." Jim, you do not understand what you are asking of me. I couldn't, wouldn't, say it, but the emotional side of me begged to be allowed to express what I was feeling. "Then my presence is to our mutual advantage." There it was again, that flat disinterested tone of voice I had worked for so long to achieve. It would have been a good line to leave on, of course, but in a perverse way, I wanted to stay near Jim, to make it better. I couldn't, of course, erase the look in his eyes, couldn't undue enough of the Kolinahr training that I had desperately fled the Enterprise for after the five year mission. "Is there anything else?" I had to leave, had to have a moment away from the pain in those hazel eyes. _Jim, you have always seen my weaknesses._ I got up and walked out of the room, heading as far away from the pain in those eyes, and the anger that simmered in McCoy's.

As soon as I stepped into the turbolift, I snapped to attention physically. It would be unbecoming of a Vulcan to be caught in the grip of an emotional panic, and certainly unbecoming of a son of Sarek to have witnesses. _I am in control of my emotions._ Being away from Jim and McCoy for so long, I had forgotten how magnetic they were to me, how quickly the two of them could cut through my defenses. Feeling more like myself, I settled into the Science Officer's chair a mere forty seven seconds before Jim burst onto the bridge.

"Spock." Yes, he was calling my name now. This was very routine, his trusting my actions and observations implicitly without ever questioning. I moved until I was at my old spot, on his left. "Instruments fluctuating, Captain." Although we were not touching, I felt the tension ease a little in Jim's demeanor as my presence near him seemed to give him more strength. The turbolift doors whooshed open and Dr. McCoy entered the bridge. Knowing he could and would do more for Jim than I, I shifted back to my seat and continued to watch the flashes of light.

The ship headed into the cloud, drawn by a tractor beam. I was as fascinated by the cloud as it was by us. I could not deny a certain draw to this entity. Standing in the sickbay, watching the probe that was inhabiting Ilia's body being scanned, I could not help but wonder at the marvel that was V'ger. With the probe off in Commander Decker's hands, I turned to Jim. "I am concerned with that being our only source of information, Captain." I met Jim's eyes, and for a brief moment it was as if the Kolinahr had never happened, and that we were on the Enterprise during the five year mission. I left him and the doctor sipping brandy, as was their wont, and headed to the airlock. Although he would not like it, and would probably be forced to court martial me, I had to find out about V'ger.

The mind meld that I was about to initiate was a bad idea. I knew this, it was illogical to proceed. Still, even as I melded, I knew that whatever was to happen to me, it was worth the knowledge.

I came to in the sickbay suddenly, and hazel eyes were staring down at me in concern. "Jim." My voice again, this time gravelly with pain. I laughed. "I should have known." Then blackness again. I felt myself being shaken, and struggled back to consciousness. "Jim, this simple feeling…" Jim slipped his hand into mine, and the touch of his hand tore down the last of the barriers. Yes, he was Jim again, no longer only Captain. Now he was my friend again, and there was no going back for me. And knowing that I did not want to go back was the hardest part.

My whole life, I have struggled to be more Vulcan than any other Vulcan. To be better, more logical, more in control. But this human, Jim Kirk, and even Leonard McCoy, who was peering over Jim's shoulder, this was what I truly needed. My friends. Admitting it to myself was the hardest part. But I did. Finally, laying on my back clasping hands with Jim, I admitted that I needed these two irrational, emotional human beings in my life. As my friends, my left and right hand, to steal a poetic turn of phrase.


End file.
